Hi! Can you share a little about yourself and what you do?
Sure! I am Lisa Velazquez, a proud first generation Puerto Rican woman who was raised
in Brooklyn, NY and is the youngest of 2 girls.
I believe that every woman matters, every woman is enough and every woman is valuable.
I’m a Love Coach and I help powerful single women reconnect with their self value to get
ready for the love they desire. I offer personalized private and group virtual love coaching
programs and live events.
Sometimes you discover what you’re meant to do at a very young age. I was naturally the
go-to-girl for advice among my friends and family. I should’ve been the little girl with an
advice booth and a lemonade stand. I remember at the age of 15 being in the middle of a
peer leadership group meeting in high school, we were having a debate about virginity.
And I said “I don’t agree that a woman should wait until she’s married to have sex. A
woman should wait until she is (emotionally) ready.
“Why should we save ourselves for them? They don’t save themselves for us. And why
does someone else get to determine my value, based on something they don’t want me to
do, but they can do it and they’re still seen as valuable”?
There I was, a 15 year old, revolting against a cultural and societal expectation of females.
I went on to be a sexual health and healthy relationships advocate on high school and I
continued to do so in college with a focus on women’s empowerment and social justice.
I now have a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Teachers College, Columbia University
and I am a Certified Sex Therapist, Certified Sex Educator and Certified Facilitator.
With over 10 years as an entrepreneur, I have helped hundreds of women create healthy
and fulfilling romantic lives from the inside out. Whether you want to learn how to reignite
your feminine power, get over an ex and attract your extraordinary love partner, I’m your
When I’m not coaching, speaking on stages and hosting events you can find me
volunteering and using my influence through mentoring and advocating for women
entrepreneurs, youth and men’s emotional wellness in my local and national professional
and cultural communities.
When I want to have more freedom and fun, you can catch me dancing salsa and bachata
at New York City socials and around the world.
Can you tell us about a significant heartbreak and how you recovered?
They were all relevant to my personal growth and who I am as a woman today. But the
one I’ll share was the most painful. It happened 10 years ago. It gave me the opportunity
to go from heartbreak to heart-breakthrough. It’s actually the reason why I became a Love
Coach. After finishing grad school and getting the professional training I needed to
become a Sex Educator and Sex Therapist, life decided to enroll me in the School of Love
Hard Knocks. I swear it felt like the Superbowl and World Series of heartbreaks.
A lot of women say they would love for a man to fight for their relationship and I was one of
those women. But what I realized was that sometimes people are fighting to get you to just
believe what they’re saying; not to actually be with you. They’re not standing for the
relationship. And you’re just waiting for them to. I swear that was it. The going back and
forth of our relationship to the point where I couldn’t even call it a relationship. I just called
it “things we had between us”. Connection, passion, understanding each other, big visions
for what we wanted to do in the world and our community. He was the man I thought was
going to be my life partner and we were going to create a family together.
But it finally got to a point where I couldn’t see where he ended and I began. It was a lot of
broken agreements in a relationship that I should’ve ended sooner. I chose to end things
(without discussing it with him), because our conversations were when trying to get
answers and work things out and him gaslighting. This just leads to what my sister would
call “a whole lot of nothing”. And it was evident (at least to me) that it was over. I noticed
he was ok with the way things were going; all the back and forth. But I wasn’t. I kept
hoping we would go back to the way things were at the beginning of our relationship. I
wanted stability, companionship and growth again. In the end, we were just not right for
each other. So I ended it during my last semester of graduate school in April 2007. One
night, all alone in my Bronx apartment in the dark. I said to myself out loud,
“I want a family. I want to get married. He’s showing me he doesn’t want those things.
I love him. But I love me more”.
And in that moment, I let go of the dream. The plan we made together for our lives. Then I
cried an ocean. Choosing to detach from him felt like an emotional surgery (that I was
performing on myself without anesthesia). I was doing everything I could to focus during
finals, finishing my internship, decluttering my apartment and my heart. My mother came
to visit me and there were times where I just hugged her and cried; not saying much of
anything. I was so grateful to have her there. She saw me and just loved me for who I am.
As I healed, I journaled a lot and created activities from it. I became healthier physically,
emotionally, and spiritually. I did deep self reflection and reviewed my choices and beliefs
about men, relationships and myself. Specifically, where I broke agreements with myself
that led to being with my ex as long as I did. I reconnected with my self value by creating
my own love values and standards; all the things that mattered to me in relationships and
how I wanted live them with a partner. I started to love by example in order to teach men
how to treat me, again. Seeing men for who they truly were based their consistent patterns
of behavior; not their words or sporadic grand gestures. Because I learned they will just fall
back into their patterns when they’re back in your good graces. But I didn’t stick around to
allow it anymore.
I also began re-learning to say no…again and again. And courageously walking away from
men who didn’t honor or agree with my boundaries and the type of committed relationship
I wanted and needed. I remembered that No is not just a word. It’s a muscle. You need to
train it, so it stays fit and strong enough to maintain your boundaries. While healing and
doing my own inner work for personal growth, I continued to live a rich fulfilling life and
developed amazing healthy relationships since. I never gave up on me, love and men,
before and after that relationship. I reconnected with my power by taking responsibility for
my choices. Not punishing myself in anyway. But instead recognizing my power in my
ability to respond in challenging situations that didn’t align with my emotional well-being.
Rather than choosing to be passive and behave as if life just happens to me.
This is how I healed. And since then, I practice what I preach and teach what I practice. I
became more me again. And I promise you, you can become more you again.
What are major red flags for you when you start dating someone new?
Love this question! I can see red flags with my eyes closed. Lacks integrity, lacks
compassion, doesn’t respect my boundaries, doesn’t value and practice personal growth,
doesn’t like to plan dates, wants to just “hang out”, doesn’t respect my time, bad temper,
erratic, doesn’t handle pressure well; not good in a crisis, immature, poor communicator,
disconnected, wants to rush into commitment, taker, doesn’t want to be vulnerable,
doesn’t want to talk about his past relationships and how he grew up, reaches out at the
last minute to see me, stresses going with the flow or just wants to have fun, late night
texting, texting graphic sexual pics, constantly complaining, doesn’t value and practice
monogamy, doesn’t want children, pessimistic about his life and career, victim mindset,
lacks self leadership, prioritizes relationships with his exes over new romantic connections,
bashes his exes, always on his phone on dates, too busy, chronic texter, never calls, can’t have an intelligent mature conversation, controlling, ungrateful, emotionally unavailable
and unhealthy, not passionate about anything, no long term life goals he’s working on
now, sexually aggressive, doesn’t give straight answers to any question he’s asked, his
chivalry expires, gaslighting, ghosting, poor social etiquette, doesn’t have healthy
friendships or any friendships at all, blurred lines with his female friends, unhealthy and
inactive lifestyle, reckless habits, cheap, excessive drinking, sexist, racist, homophobic
and doesn’t understand or respect the #metoo movement and #blacklivesmatter. I know I
just shared a lot, but you can actually see all these red flags unfold in front of your face
early in dating; from the first date up until the first 30 days.
What are your favorite mood elevators to uplift and inspire you?
I always need time alone to reconnect with myself, my voice and intuition. Dancing in my
kitchen, social dancing and salsa dance classes. I love connecting to my sensuality and
dancing feeds my soul. Meditation, self care (sleeping well, eating healthy, spa days, etc.)
listening to great music (from dope playlists to live concerts), exercising, watching
stand-up comedy, watching Abraham Hicks videos and reading books, writing and
speaking, going to beautiful areas near water, traveling, walking in nature, attending
positive events and meeting positive like-minded people that support the emotional
well-being of humanity, great conversations, cooking healthy food, celebrating and
spending quality time and having fun with great friends and family.
Do you stay friends with your ex? Unfollow or follow them on social media, etc?
I chose not to be friends with any of my ex-boyfriends anymore. But I’m not enemies with
any of them. Although, when I was in my 20’s I did stay friends with them, but it always led
to problems. None of them wanted me to move on with another man, yet they never
wanted to work things out between us. And when I wanted it to stop, I had to take
responsibility for my part in enabling it and allowing it to continue. I figured out what they
really wanted from me was..attention. Not love, connection, support, intimacy, a love life
You see, those were the things I was willing and ready to give and open to receive. But it
felt like one sided blocking friendships. I asked myself, why the hell was I enabling this
behavior? I realized I had stayed connected with them because, what I wanted was
companionship. And at the time, I was settling to have it by keeping any of them in my
space. I discovered my lesson was to learn to have boundaries with who prioritize and
allow into my life. I needed to keep a tight inner circle of platonic friends and family. The
giving and receiving, deep romantic, emotional and sexual intimacy was reserved for the
man who’s all in to have mutually committed relationship with me. I finally chose to move
on and detach from them, because the best friendships are based on shared values.
As for social media, my exes still managed to find me and I blocked every single one of
them. But many of them follow me, because they email me. But I block them there too.
Unless we are connected professionally. In those situations, I just choose to be cordial and
honor my boundaries. I run into 1 of them every couple of years. I managed to give myself
closure years ago, because I have clarity about all my past relationships. I chose not to be
friends them with on social media, because well..they’re not my friends. I believe friends
are people in my life who are loyal, honest, trustworthy, giving, supportive, reliable,
respectful, caring, appreciative, present and considerate. They’re people who want to be
part of my life long term and will work through occasional miscommunication or
disagreements. And most of all, they’re not trying to have sex with me.
Yes, I said it. This is the difference I want people to understand. Because when you invest
your all in your ex, go back and forth with your ex (or a boo or bae who you wish was you
were in a relationship with) you want something good to come out of it. But something
good did. The lessons you learned from what happened; what worked between you two
and what didn’t that ended the relationship. Because that is the reason you’re not together.
Today, people are so consumed with social media that it can take up emotional energy
and upset you. It can feel like a physical place you go to all the time instead of a website
or an app. I would rather just have a clean slate and give them the same courtesy.
Any tips for our users on moving on from heartbreak?
Our past loves can only hold us back when we choose to let them. You can only move on
when you choose it and seek support to heal when you cannot do it on your own. I
recommend surrounding yourself with emotionally healthy, supportive and positive people
who want you to move on. I promise, you are more powerful than your pain, so have some
self compassion as you take steps to heal. Take a personal development course, hire a
love coach, take a love coaching course, see a therapist, journal, choose a spiritual
practice that fits your lifestyle, pursue a new passion project, dance it out and get healthier
physically, because you need to remove those emotions from the body. You will clear your
body of toxic energy and gain vibrant energy again (maybe even for the first time). Also,
when you’re removing them from your emotional and physical space, don’t just delete the
number; delete the text thread, block them, delete the pics and unfollow your ex. If you
have an iPhone and it starts trying to get you to undelete an ex’s or boo or bae’s number,
delete it immediately. That’s the universe testing you. You can pass this test, move on and
find a new partner who is right for you and ready.
Stay away from ex-bashing with friends for weeks and months on end. I understand that
you want to vent. But how long you vent will determine how fast you’ll progress and heal.
If you prolong the bashing it will attract more pain, delay your healing and attract more
people like your ex. I’ve been exactly where you are. I got through it and healed. I know
right now, it feels like you couldn’t possibly feel something for another person. I get it. But I
know that holding onto someone who doesn’t want what you do..together, is wasting your
valuable time from having the love you truly desire and deserve.
Lisa Velazquez is a Love Coach, Speaker and Ladypreneur. She is the Creator of Lisa Talks
Love and CEO of Wonder Womyn. A boutique lovestyle coaching company for professional
single women. Her vision is to cultivate a community around the world of women who live well
date wise and love sexy.