Hi! Can you share a little about yourself and what you do?
I’m a Los Angeles-based life coach for heartbreak, healing, and TRANSFORMATION—my sessions take place on the phone, so I coach people all over! I work mostly with women who are navigating through consciously healing their hearts from all kinds of losses—romantic break-ups, divorce, fizzled friendships and even the loss of a job or a missed opportunity they wanted so badly, but ultimately didn’t work out in their favor.
Aside from heartbreak, I also coach people on navigating through their careers, dating lives, and self-care practices. This has been an organic expansion out of my niche, as I firmly believe that how you are in one area of your life, is how you are in others. Self-care is a HUGE part of my work—how can you expect to find the right guy or job, when your opinion of YOURSELF is so low? You’ve gotta love YOU before anyone else can.
My favorite aspect of life coaching is that there are ACTIVE tools to implement every day, that help us focus on what’s right in front of us in the present moment, as well as how we can work towards getting where we want to go.
It’s SO rewarding seeing clients shift OUT of their victim stories, and show up in a completely new, self-empowered way, while getting to cheer them on as they confidently strive to create their best lives, honoring their most authentic selves! This isn’t easy stuff—it’s messy and uncomfortable breaking old habits that feel so comfortable, despite yielding unsatisfactory results– which is why I believe so strongly in finding a trusted and skilled coach to guide you through any kind of growth work. Having someone hold you accountable and elevate your thinking the whole way through, is CRUCIAL in order to get to where you want to go.
A significant heartbreak and how I recovered?
You can go to my website to check out MY HEARTBREAK STORY, which was the most eye-opening experience of my life to date, just over seven years ago—a very emotionally abusive situation that I consider my rock bottom, but I’d like to address a more recent heartbreak that wasn’t as gut-wrenching, but still very significant to me.
I dated a man for about three and a half months last year. To me, you can’t measure feelings based on how short-lived a relationship is. My feelings were strong and so were his… I don’t fall for people easily but when I do, I’m all in.
One of my best friends was convinced that this guy was the one because, “Finally, there’s a man who appreciates you for all the reasons I LOVE YOU!”
She was right. Early in our short-lived relationship, he articulated how he saw this very confident, spaz attack always looking for the laugh, but what took him by surprise as he got to know this “sweet, vulnerable, little girl inside” (his words, not mine!), was how much she just wanted to love and BE loved! NAILED IT.
So what could have gone wrong? A few weeks into the relationship, he told me he knew he wanted to marry someone who practiced his religion… I was thrown because on our second date he volunteered that he no longer needed to marry someone from his own religion—all that mattered was that she made him happy. (cue your next question about red flags!)
When I addressed his misleading words, he confessed that he thought a girl like me would never go for a guy like him, so what I thought was our second date, was just a “hang” for him, until things progressed quickly in a different direction.
He genuinely apologized and asked me to to work through this with him because for the first time in years, he found someone he felt both physically AND emotionally connected to, but respected my decision if I wanted to bounce. My not sharing in his religious background made him feel very torn, and I respected his honesty and vulnerability.
Ironically, that discussion and how we navigated through it, actually made us feel closer, and I was proud of myself that I didn’t default to my natural instinct to run, despite my fear of getting hurt.
However, aside from our different religious backgrounds, I also picked up on the fact that he wasn’t too impressed by my lack of pedigree and career status. He was an accomplished ivy leaguer, and ultimately, on the night he broke up with me, he claimed that he was disappointed that I didn’t coach him the night before when he was nervous about being let go from his job. Apparently, he realized then that he needed a partner he could talk to about his career life, and he could tell that I was “intimidated.”
At the time, I was deeply offended…
1) I’m not a mind-reader so if he wanted my coaching perspective, he could have asked. After all, when he broke up with me, he said I was the best sex and best communication he ever had, but still felt there something was missing, and insisted the break-up had nothing to do with our religious differences. However, in the BREAKUP CARD he gave me as he walked out the door, (signed with a sad face) he actually said he didn’t know if it was because of our religious differences… (again- cue the red flag question!)
2) Last I checked, I was his girlfriend—not his life coach.
3) Best sex and best communication? For the first time in the 3 years of working with my therapist, she couldn’t help but editorialize and said, “WHAT ELSE DOES THE MAN WANT?!”
But upon reflection of the relationship with some time and space, I realized how right he was when he said, “You’re going to see sooner than later, that we’re not the right match for each other.”
At the time, I was devastated by his cold flip of the switch, but the truth was he escaped into his work, and used it as an excuse to not be available a majority of the time. He also, at the age of 37 told me he HAD NEVER BEEN BROKEN UP WITH. He did all the breaking up. Again—cue your next red flag q!
As a result, I was on the receiving end of very hot and cold behavior—one day he was professing that he saw himself falling in love with me very quickly and talking about marrying me and converting and how we’d raise our children. The next day would be, “Yeah, I’m just still not sure…”
This behavior triggered all of my of old-school “not enough” insecurities to resurface, but also inspired this life coach to dig deep and find the GIFT in the situation.
At that point, I had been a life coach for women in their 20’s and 30’s for about a year and a half—it was a vague niche, but after that relationship ended, I put the tools I used on my clients to the test for myself in the thick of my pain—obviously I believed in the tools whole-heartedly, but I was surprised by how quickly I moved through this particular heartache, as it is still one of the most beautiful connections I’ve ever experienced with a man, DESPITE all its challenges.
In the past, I allowed my significant others’ opinions of me to dictate my worth, but in this situation, I was able to take responsibility for my flaws, and was amazed by how kind I was to myself in the healing process, which allowed me to quickly find peace in the fact that regardless of what he thought of me, I LOVED the partner that I was to him.
That was such a WIN FOR ME!
This then inspired me to narrow my niche as a life coach for heartbreak, healing, and transformation. It had been a long time since I’d healed from my narcissistic abusive relationship, but I knew that didn’t mean I was immune to being heartbroken again. This more recent relationship showed me that I can handle ANY LOSS, and that the tools I use on my clients WORK if you REALLY COMMIT to wanting to heal over wanting to get the person back.
Furthermore, it recently hit me that he was right about my feeling intimidated the night before he anticipated being let go from his job, and as the savvy universe decided to have it, I now coach several men with similar issues to him, and I’m really proud of the work I do with them.
In my (healed) heart, I don’t know if I would have been inspired to take my personal growth work to the next level, without having gone through this particular heartbreak.
Funny enough, I recently bumped into him ON HIS BIRTHDAY—almost exactly a year after the breakup and was pretty sure he was with a new girlfriend, considering the deer-in-headlights look on his face.
I was genuinely happy to see him. And extra genuinely happy that I was no longer the girl by his side.
What a gift that short stint in my life was…
But here’s the secret…. EVERY perceived misfortune is a gift—you just need to believe it and look for the evidence to validate it, because I swear to God, the evidence is ALWAYS there to support whatever truth you CHOOSE. ALWAYS.
What are major red flags for you when you start dating someone new?
A man saying religion doesn’t matter and then a few weeks in, he says it DOES.
A man who has broken up with every woman he’s ever dated. To me, that reads he’s looking for a flawless partner, and there’s no such thing.
A man who checks in with you during the week to tell you how slammed he is with his work and never pauses once to ask how your week is going.
A man who behaves in a condescending manner towards the waiter/hostess/ bartender. HUGE TURN-OFF.
A man who only talks about himself, or if he does ask about me, but I can tell he’s really not listening or taking it in or bothering to follow up with q’s that would show me he’s genuinely interested.
Interestingly enough, I recently dated someone who wanted to know EVERYTHING about ME. My morning routine, life coaching, my previous relationships and why they didn’t work, what I wanted out of a relationship now, if I wanted children, marriage, and even wanted to know HOW I liked to kiss! BUT, every time I wanted to share about my family or friends, those topics fell on deaf ears. He would immediately switch topics. Big deal-breaker in my book. My family and friends are MY WORLD. If you don’t want to know about them, then you don’t want to know about me.
Also, I’m from Ireland. If by date three, you haven’t asked me ONE question about my upbringing, or what my experience was like being from a different country, and what the transition at 8 years old to the States was like, it’s not necessarily a RED FLAG, but to me it reads that he’s not really interested in who I am and where I’m from. I know that when I’m super into someone, I want to know ALL about him – his family, different friends, where he grew up, (even if it was in the States for his entire life!) and different passions of his…
Finally, I’m over guessing if someone’s interested in me. If you like me, ask me out, and if you don’t, be direct.
What are your favorite mood elevators to uplift and inspire you?
I’m a 12 yo girl trapped in a 37 yo woman’s body—I LOVE belting top 40 music in my car. Or taking a walk and listening to my coaches’ podcasts.
I also find myself being a 65 yo woman trapped in a 37 yo woman’s body with my addiction to any and all murder documentaries! Seriously, this is what a perfect Fridaynight would be—chilling at home with my man, drinking wine, eating take-out, watching a murder documentary and debating who’s guilty or not!
I love practicing yoga, (I still teach privately), reading self-help books—cant get enough! Discovering aha’s about life and how to approach it is my jam… in case that wasn’t obvious yet.
I feel uplifted when I check in with a client in between sessions to see how she’s doing or if I had a new aha to offer her about where she’s at on her journey.
I also LOVE getting gussied up and going out with amazing girlfriends who I’m so, so lucky to call MINE! Seriously, I’m just looking for the guy version of my besties– Hysterical, gorgeous, loyal, honest, so much depth, and they love me unconditionally.
Finally, back to my 12 yo alter ego, watching the Bachelor/Bachelorette and the Bachelor in Paradise. Monday nights might be my favorite night of the week, going over to my bestie Aisha’s place and watching these shows like it’s a spectator sport. It’s beyond glorious.
Do you stay friends with your ex? Unfollow or follow them on social media, etc?
I’m a firm believer in cutting off all contact after ANY break-up that isn’t mutual. I think both parties need time and space to heal and gain more clarity. I completely blocked my ex from last year—not as an “f-you” move, but as a self-protective measure, so that neither of us had access into seeing each other’s lives.
Eventually, I think it’s totally ok to unblock once you’ve moved on, but sometimes seeing him watch your stories, might trigger more meaning than what it is. I fell into that trap after unblocking my ex. He wasn’t following me but kept coming to my page to watch my stories, so I politely but firmly let him know I didn’t’ think it was healthy and I wasn’t ready for it.
It’s such a big win to put this boundary up! I hear clients and friends talk about how “I don’t want him to think I care so I’m just going to leave it alone and let him see my fabulous life!” I call bullshit. YOU DO CARE! And it’s unhealthy posting stuff, hoping he’ll see it and like it… There’s no way you’re authentically attempting to move on, when you’re trying to get a reaction or still have access to your ex’s whereabouts.
One of my favorite Byron Katie q’s offers: WHO WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT THE THOUGHT? Without the thought, “He just watched all 7 of my stories so I hope this means he misses me!.” you’d be present and focused on your own goddamn life, instead of giving energy to someone who blatantly told you he no longer wanted to be IN IT.
“But Claire he doesn’t know how to express himself! What if this is his way of poking me to reach out to him?”
I never tell a client to say something or not say something, but what I offer is that I know for myself, I want to be with a man who, if he realizes he made a mistake by breaking up with me, he has the balls to pick up the phone circa 1999-style, and make it right. I ain’t got no time for insta stalking as a way for me to mind-read his regrets. Shit or get off the pot!
As for other exes, I’m still totally friends with some. I’m 37 so a lot of time has passed since the romantic component of certain relationships have ended. But again, I insist that time and conscious work, processing what worked and what didn’t, is imperative before a genuine, reciprocal, platonic friendship can unfold.
I still love one of my exes madly, and my heart was DESTROYED over him. He just called the other day to say hi, as he decided to go off social media. He told me about a new woman he’s dating. My heart was so full by how far we have come in our relationship, and it’s a great reminder that it’s totally possible to still love someone as a friend who you were once madly IN LOVE with.
Any tips for our users on moving on from heartbreak?
YES! Go to my website and subscribe for my FREE VIDEO—10 Steps on How to Heal Heartbreak. This healing and transformation work is NOT a linear process, but the best way to move through it is to FACE IT HEAD ON. I love the little video I offer, and I think it’s a great start towards healing your precious heart.