Hi! Can share a little about yourself and what you do?
I am a Sex, Love and Relationship Coach working with people to embrace core beliefs around unworthiness, lack of self love, shame, pain and guilt and create new neural pathways for elevated emotions and new core beliefs.
It’s exciting to be sitting down to write about what I do as I am trained in a truly unique form of coaching.
Firstly the coaching I offer INCLUDES the body. Secondly I work from a trauma informed perspective that includes the science of the nervous system. Thirdly this approach connects us to a force greater than ourselves, to spirit within and without.
Working with the body and understanding how trauma impacts our nervous system is so vital to create lasting change and re wire the nervous system to step out of our habitual adrenalised states of being to the calmer states of mind. From this place we can move out of survival mode and into thriving mode.
Let’s say we want greater self acceptance and love for ourselves. We want to move away from this perpetual self critical dialogue that shames and blames us and drags us down and tells us all the reasons why we can’t do this and should stop doing that. We set the intention with our thinking mind (neo cortex) to develop more self love, maybe we put a positive affirmation on our fridge door or the bathroom mirror. This is great and really does work – but it has it’s limitations. It is the top down approach which many of us are familiar with in the self development field which includes talking therapies and creating positive mindsets around the new stories we want to be telling ourselves.
But what happens is our primal brain, the subconscious part of our brain that drives most of our behaviour will often be working against us. We experience this inner conflict where we have two different voices saying opposing things to us. We may want to feel better about ourselves and stop the self sabotaging, but underneath our subconscious mind will be running the show. The primal parts of our brain (the limbic system and primal brain responsible for storing of emotions and our survival) primary concern is to make sure we are safe, cared for, loved and that we belong to those around us that we love.
Our primal brain relies on outdated strategies that helped us at the time when we were faced with difficulty as children such as when a our parents got divorced or a parent had a serious physical, mental health condition or drug and alcohol addiction. To feel self love, would go against our very survival mechanism that kept us feeling a sense of safety, love or belonging in our family as children.
Our survival mechanism was to align with the beliefs of our caregivers about who we were as children to feel a sense of connection and belonging to them. If we grew up around physical and emotional violence and we heard messages over and over again that we were to blame, or that we were not good enough, it would go against our subconscious minds to feel worthy and good enough.
Our hard wiring tells us that we are not worthy, and that we should feel ashamed of ourselves. So even if we consciously think and tell ourselves ‘I am worthy’ our primal brain is still saying or even shouting out ‘I am not worthy’.
So how do we shift these deep seated patterns?
We work with the body and realm of the subconscious, with a bottom up approach as well as the top down approach. We speak in the language of the body and subconscious. We can do this in different ways including using the power of breath work (which opens up the subconscious mind) and the power of ritual and metaphor which speaks the language of the body as well as other tools and techniques.
When you think that 93% of communication is non verbal it makes total sense that a approach to transformation would also include the non verbal ways of speaking – the silent messages. We get so stuck in our minds and looping of the same story, that when we start to explore our relationship to our bodies, this really is where the magic happens.
After years of talking therapy, I was ready to start to envisioning a new reality and new set of core beliefs for myself. Having been coached myself by colleagues for over two years I often look back and reflect on just how much things have shifted for me.
Before I started the training and working as a coach I was still living with this deep seated shame and I was also in a toxic relationship. Where there was once shame, is now a deep sense of self love that I continue to build on, and a sense that I am worthy and that my voice matters in this world. That I am unique, that I belong and that I am really loved by others around me. I became unavailable for relationships that dragged me down, felt disrespectful and felt emotionally harmful to myself.
I just love working with people and seeing how this unique coaching methodology transforms my clients lives to heal old dynamics with family members, create new empowering beliefs, and release old stories about themselves that no longer serve them.
Can you tell us about a significant heartbreak and how you recovered?
My first heartbreak happened when my parents got divorced when I was about a year and half years old. I remember visiting my dad every weekend and crying every time he left to go home. My little heart just couldn’t comprehend why my daddy had to go, I just wanted to be with him.
My next heartbreak would be living with addiction to alcohol and drugs at home which you can read more about here on my website. I have carried this sense of heartbreak and deep sense of abandonment right into my adulthood. In the past when I would meet a partner that I would form a long term relationship with I would have ongoing nightmares about them dying or leaving me.
My most recent heartbreak was extreme. I literally felt like I was dying. In the first week I reached out to a helpline during the night because I just couldn’t sleep and all friends and family were asleep. We had been together for two years and we had really struggled to make things work between us. We had tried couples counselling, we had tried taking breaks and living separately but things just seemed to get worse. So in a way the later part of the relationship itself was a series of mini heartbreaks as something seriously wasn’t working between us.
So the first step to recovering was to leave and end the relationship.
Sounds easy doesn’t it. Well let’s just say it was far from easy.
The second step was to reach out for support. To not go through it alone. To keep repeating things over and over again to those people who I trusted and were open and available to listen. I processed it all and tried to make sense of why it ultimately didn’t work for us both, even though there was a lot of love there between us. I spoke to friends, family and had coaching sessions. I was aware of the shock the separation was having on my nervous system and the shock to my mind and body as I separated from a significant person who I was attached too. When we are attached to someone it is literally hard wired in our bodies for our very survival to not separate so when we do we actually feel like we are dying. So I took radical self care of myself with hot baths, walks out in nature and having some rest and not taking on too much over this period of time.
The third REALLY IMPORTANT step was to process the grief to let go and mourn everything the relationship meant to me and to let go of the hopes and visions for what the relationship could have been if only we could have fixed this and that.
Then the final fourth step was to envision and create a new version of what a romantic relationship could look like for me. I know our minds are extremely powerful. So I went about getting some coaching to support me to tap into the power of my mind to create a and attract a new relationship. Through receiving my own coaching I got to find out what my new empowering truths were about relationships, I got to get clear on what my desire was. What was my desire – to know in my bones that I could have a relationship where I felt emotionally safe, protected and cared for AND experience ecstatic sex. Well I am here to tell you first hand you can have it all. You can have what you desire. I know because I have experienced stating my desires out aloud, doing the inner work and seeing it come to fruition in my reality.
What are major red flags for you when you start dating someone new?
#1 Watch out for avoidant type behaviours – if you feel like you are doing all the work and chasing them around and that they are avoiding intimacy and connection with you. It’s because THEY ARE avoiding you. It’s not personal. It’s not your job to convince them to want you – EVER. You deserve to feel someone wants to be around you and be close to you without these push/pull dynamics.
#2 Forming a relationship with you because you just so happen to be the woman they were sitting next to at the cafe. We don’t have to settle for a relationship with someone who hasn’t specifically chosen us for the special and unique people we are. There are people out there who are just looking to be in a relationship for a relationships sake. Because they don’t want to be alone. We all want to feel special and chosen. So we can make a choice to only be available for relationships where we feel chosen and special.
#3 Projecters extradordinnaires – it’s a term I just made up. This is a group of people who haven’t done any inner work and are ready and waiting to put all of their mum/dad/caregiver/family issues onto you. It’s so important to know that the person we are entering into a relationship has self awareness of the stories they bring into a relationship.
What are your favorite mood elevators to uplift and inspire you?
I find coaching others really invigorating and energising!
I love to watch inspiring documentaries on Netflix such as The Power of Myth which I am currently watching. This really brings me back into connection with what inspires me in life and to a sense of aliveness within.
I do at least 15 minutes of Pilates a day and to move around regularly away from the computer. Sitting at a computer literally drains me of energy because I am hunched over the desk so I like to get outside and feel the ground beneath my feet and look at the sky rather than the screen.
Self soothing is my number one uplifter. I slow down. Take a few deep breathes. Stroke my forehead or belly. Have a lie down for a couple of minutes. And bobs your uncle, a couple of minutes later I have shifted my body chemistry from a state of stressed out and wired to more calm and peaceful ready to do the next task for the day.
Do you stay friends with your ex? Unfollow or follow them on social media, etc?
Yes I am actually best friends with my ex who I was with for 7 years. However most of my ex’s I have only stayed in infrequent contact with, such as a text a couple of times a year. Yes I unfollow them on social media. It’s been a really important part of breakups to allow space and time to integrate what I learned from the relationship what I would chose differently next time, what I valued in the relationship and to allow time to grieve. I would not have been able to do this if I was still in contact with them or following them on social media.
Any tips for our users on moving on from heartbreak?
Yes visit my website and if you feel called to work with me to heal from your heartbreak you can contact me. You don’t have to go through this alone. When you make space for the grief and letting go you create the space for something new and wonderful to come into your life for when you are ready.