Can share a little about yourself and what you do?
I am a writer and a mentor. I run an online community called Brave Babes Movement where people are able to share in their painful experiences and gain support from one another. In fact, I started the movement following my most significant heartbreak. Passion can come from pain. I am proof.
Can you tell us about a significant heartbreak and how you recovered?
Woof. I am a sensitive being, so the many heartbreaks I’ve experienced have been painful in so many different ways. The most significant would be the one that blindsided me from a man I saw a real future with. He didn’t want to be with me. No real reason why, he just knew he didn’t want to marry me. He still loved me and was heartbroken himself which made it even more painful and confusing. I respected his decision, but ached deeply for over a year. When we made our clean break I promised myself I wouldn’t douse my pain with booze or jump onto Tinder. I knew I needed to feel the pain so I could heal and move on as quickly as possible. This big heartbreak ended up being the catalyst for me to dive deeper into who I was. It inspired me to become a creative writer. Although painful, it was necessary and I’m forever grateful for the experience.
What are major red flags for you when you start dating someone new?
This all comes down to each individuals preference in what your likes and dislikes are. For me, I’m looking for clues of one’s values and their character. How does he speak about his ex? Poorly? Red flag. His family? Even if he’s estranged. If he has no compassion for his loved ones I’m out. How does he treat strangers, especially those in customer service. No sense of appreciation or genuine care? Byeee! If pet names come into play too soon that’s a red flag for me. If in the early stages he’s really aggressive and selfish in the bedroom, red flag. How much alcohol does he consume and how often? If it’s part of his weekly lifestyle he’s not for me. For me, red flags is not a place of judgement, but rather an evaluation of whether or not this person and I will be compatible. Being aware and clear on what you’re looking for is the key to standing by what you want.
What are your favorite mood elevators to uplift and inspire you?
First and foremost my family. I am most happy being with and bonding with the ones I love. Secondly, my friends. I have a close tight knit group of wonderful men and women that I can lean on. Music moves my soul. Especially live music. I love reading and writing. Baths are my favorite. The adventure of travel is something that inspires me and helps me grow. I love the ocean, just being near it brings me serenity.
Do you stay friends with your ex? Unfollow or follow them on social media, etc?
EEEEEEKK! This one is hard. You see, being a friend and maintaining a friendship are two very different ideas. In the past I would say absolutely not. In fact I wrote a popular blog post titled The Ex Factor on the topic here: https://kindraleemurphy.com/blog-1/2015/11/9/the-ex-factor In my most recent breakup after a good amount of time apart we have agreed and want to remain in each other’s lives to a degree. He and I played such huge roles in one another’s growth process that it felt wrong to walk away entirely. This again is a personal preference. In most cases I can not remain friends with an ex. I have a hard time compartmentalizing my emotions so no contact is typically what I prefer and follow. As far as social media goes, DELETE DELETE DELETE has always been my go to. Out of sight out of mind. If you do not have the self control to not stalk his every move then do yourself a favor and block his ass. On all outlets. As I’ve gotten older I have much more self control and depending on the scenario have been able to maintain online “friendships.”
Any tips for our users on moving on from heartbreak?
FEEL IT ALL. The faster you feel it the faster you heal it. Truly. Don’t listen to what anyone else tells you will be helpful in your healing process. Follow your gut. CRY. Get busy. I usually lay around and feel sorry for myself for a good two days and then I get to work. I do all the things I’m dreading doing but I know will make me feel better. Work out, pick up work shifts, surround myself with friends, cook, clean, make an appointment with my therapist. All the things. Let your heart break open and try to find what you can take away from the heartbreak. What did you gain from knowing him? Even if he was an awful partner, could you have possibly gained more self awareness and self respect by walking away? There is always something positive to take away from our experiences if we’re willing to stay open and look past our anger and hurt. Keep digging. If you would like to connect with Kindra, visit her Instagram account – Brave Babes Movement .