Hi! Can you share a little about yourself and what you do?
My name is Kendra Allen, I’m the founder of Break Up Bestie (@yourbreakupbestie) an online community, blog, and soon to be online course! I don’t have any professional credentials, but I started Break Up Bestie to be the help I needed when I was going through my breakups. My focus at Break Up Bestie is to encourage people to see their break up as a beautiful opportunity to work on themselves and make changes, we get very few times in our lives when we’re in enough pain to be propelled forward like a breakup.
Can you tell us about a significant heartbreak and how you recovered?
I have two significant breakups that shaped Break Up Bestie. The first one was a toxic relationship I was in at 18 years old, it was my first love- and later found out obsession. He swept me off my feet and made me feel like a princess and then all of a sudden turned into a monster. He never hit me, so I never thought it was abusive but I later found out it was – verbally and emotionally. I was isolated from my friends, called horrendous names, was controlled and manipulated and I constantly walked on eggshells. I talk about this a lot on my account in hopes I can help someone in that same situation.
The second one was my first heartbreak from a super healthy relationship. It was my first relationship where we had the same values, he wasn’t intimidated by me – in fact, he pushed me to always be better in a healthy way, we had the most fun together, and could talk for hours on end. Everything was going great, but he broke up with me because he didn’t think he ever wanted to get married. I was beside myself – I broke. It was the first time I had ever felt like I was going to die from a broken heart.
I recovered by asking for a LOT of help. From friends, women in my community, a therapist, books, podcasts, everything. I wanted to soak in all of the healing possible. I found new hobbies, I made new girlfriends, I took the trip I always wanted to, I journaled my ass off, and threw myself into getting to know Kendra and working on the best version of me. This was the framework I built Break Up Bestie off of.
What are major red flags for you when you start dating someone new?
Personally I’m a big fan of getting some of the bigger questions out of the way (as someone who got dumped 3 times in a row for the guy not wanting to get married) I always recommend asking that at first. If they don’t want what you want, why waste time?
Other red flags:
- wanting to be secretive about the relationship
- doesn’t have close friends of his own
- won’t answer for long periods of time
- any kind of controlling comments
- won’t make any effort to get to know the things I like
What are your favorite mood elevators to uplift and inspire you?
My answer to this always is spending time with my girlfriends. They’re literally my medicine, I never feel alone when I’m around them. They fill me up and can always fix any bad day I have. Other favorites would be car karaoke to my favorite pump-up songs, exercise, journaling, taking a walk and watching stand-up comedy.
Do you stay friends with your ex? Unfollow or follow them on social media, etc?
Definitely no for me. I’m a big fan of the No Contact Rule. I already have amazing friends, I don’t need to be friends with someone I loved romantically. I will unfollow on social media and then typically block at a certain point. I just don’t see why I’d risk the emotional pain just to keep a friendship that probably won’t work anyway. I also totally realize there are exceptions to every rule, but anytime I’ve stayed friends with an ex it has led to the endless cycle of breaking up, sleeping together, and then getting back together- it’s exhausting.
Any tips for our users on moving on from heartbreak?
This too shall pass! Remember you won’t feel like this forever.
Your feelings are valid, no matter what they are. Don’t feel like you “should” be feeling a certain way by now.
Throw yourself into stuff that makes you happy. Spend time with friends, find a new hobby.
Take this time to really reflect on your past relationships. Journal about your feelings, I believe we’ll continue to date the same person with a different name until we learn the lessons we’re supposed to.